"On Healing" January 2006

Posted on Mon, Jan. 23, 2006
Paralyzed by one's fear of rejection
By Dan Gottlieb

Dear Dr. Gottlieb:
Your last column about desire was interesting. But what happens when there is a conflict between desire and fear of taking a risk? I think a lot of people live with unfulfilled desires, perhaps unnecessarily, simply because they are afraid. For instance, fear of rejection might prevent someone from asking for a date. The desire to be true to oneself might be stifled by the fear of society's disapproval.

I used to have a tremendous fear of what others might think of me. It caused much needless emotional pain. As the years pass, I find I care less about others' opinion of me. The less I care about what others think, the happier I become.

Can you address the issue of fear of disapproval? I would like to know your take on just how much we should worry about what others think of us.
--Ruth

Dear Ruth:
The overarching desire for any living being is to avoid suffering and pursue happiness or security. So when someone doesn't do something because of anxiety, he is really making a decision to avoid suffering.

I see this kind of behavior in my office every day. People who take drugs, or starve themselves, or worry incessantly, are really making a misguided effort to diminish their anxiety and feel more secure. People with agoraphobia, who are afraid to leave home or travel for fear of panic attacks, are a good example of how paying homage to anxiety is an attempt to pursue security. It rarely works, but our instinct is to do whatever we can to avoid anxiety.

Your example about fear of being judged is quite similar to the anxiety I just described. The greater desire is to pursue safety rather than risk exposure. Not only is this social anxiety understandable, some of it is necessary. We are social animals, and need to be part of a community where we feel safe and accepted. Because we need acceptance, we tend to adapt to the community's beliefs and values. In balance, this is fine. But people who are on the narcissistic end of the continuum don't much care about community values, and think the community should adapt to them. On the other hand, people who feel more anxious and insecure are more likely to sacrifice their individuality for fear of being rejected.

So what can be done for people whose anxiety is interfering with their lives? The answer might seem counterintuitive. When we feel anxious, the instinct is to honor the anxiety and avoid those people or situations that make us anxious.

However, research published in a December issue of the Journal of Neuroscience showed that a trust-building hormone called oxytocin actually calms anxiety. This is consistent with many cognitive behavioral treatments for anxiety disorders. Rather than honoring fear, they help their patients face their fear. When that's done repeatedly, people build trust in themselves. So when one feels anxious, rather than shutting down, the healthy approach is to open up, which will build trust in oneself in the larger community.

Finally, you make an important point in describing how this fear of rejection diminishes over time. One's vigilant attention to external feedback is about the ego. If you listen to the language that surrounds this concern, it's filled with personal pronouns: "What do they think of me?" "I might not be good enough." "Do they like my new outfit or will they be impressed with my recent achievement?"

Over time, with some wisdom and growth, we become less self-focused. As a wise man once told me: "I think we are born square and die round." As the waters of life wash over us, we lose the rough edges and become more comfortable inside our skin.

Posted on Mon, Jan. 9, 2006
Learning to tame what the heart desires
By Dan Gottlieb

Desire is why we fall in love and desire is why infidelity happens. Desire can explain obesity, and desire for self-improvement can also explain weight loss. Desire is universal and part of the life force. And it is complicated. A patient I'll call "Barbara" realized how complicated desire could be. When I first met her, she had a strong desire for her marriage to be more intimate and nurturing. She was convinced the only way to achieve her desire was if her husband changed.

Over the last several years, her emotions had ranged from frustration to anger to futility - all driven by her heart's desire.

More often than not, desire is about grasping. Even falling in love is about the desire to possess another.

Sometimes desire begins as a quiet wish, a longing. And then the brain converts that longing to a need. Eventually, we become convinced that we cannot live without the object of our desire, whether it is love or an SUV.

William Irvine, in his book On Desire: Why We Want What We Want suggests that the brain is hardwired for desire. But when we achieve what we want, we simply desire more.

We humans have struggled with desire forever. Even the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden could be a cautionary tale about desire. Our psychological architecture could be seen as "desire management." The conscience itself, which provides shame and guilt, helps prevent us from doing whatever we want to do whenever we want to do it.

But without desire there would be no acquisition, no growth and no procreation. So how do we strike a balance?

According to Irvine, desire is about a search for satisfaction, and the best way to achieve that is not by changing the world, but by changing ourselves.

First, he says, we must "know the enemy." To do that, we must understand that desire is a state of mind and not a state of emergency. So we begin by loosening our grasp on that which we desire and see what happens. Try it. Imagine spending a lifetime without having those things you feel you need.

Just as desire can evolve from a quiet longing to near desperation, it can continue to evolve once we loosen our grasp.

Barbara discovered this when she found the courage to stop fighting and ease up on her desire to change her husband. As she was able to allow the emotions to unfold, it was almost as though they marched backward.

First she felt angry, as though living in this marriage was unjust. Then she felt frustration that she was the one who was working on these issues. She thought she was the only one who was able to love properly.

As she opened further, she felt herself longing again just as she did in the beginning. Longing for closeness and physical and emotional contact.

Then she felt great sadness over the loss of her dream.

Once she let go even further, and did not try to repair her longing, things really began to change.

She began to see her husband in a different light. She saw him as a good man with a good heart who loved her and their children in his own way. She felt a different kind of love for this man, one that was more tender and generous. Toward the end of our work together, she said she felt as though something shifted in the way she loved her husband. She said that her love began to focus outward instead of inward. She used the word devotion - something she had never felt about another person. And she said it felt wonderful.

Barbara's desire evolved to devotion. Desire is about self. Devotion is about another. Maybe that's why in the word devotion, the "I" is silent.

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