"On Healing" February 2005

Posted on Mon, Feb. 21, 2005
The legacies of our personal founding fathers
By Dan Gottlieb

Presidents' Day. We have the day off so we can think about the gifts we have received from our courageous founders.

This also might be a good time to reflect back on our personal founders.

Most of us had forebears who left another country to come to an unknown place and find a better life for their families. Even slaves, who arrived in bondage, devoted their lives generation after generation to pursuing freedom for future generations. What incredible courage, tenacity and love.

Today, parents still devote themselves to making life better for the next generation. Caring for our children's future is not just a conscious choice; it's a biological imperative.

Of course, that doesn't mean parents will necessarily do a good job. Director Ingmar Bergman titled his autobiographical film Best Intentions to describe his dysfunctional family's motives, not their behavior. I'm sure that title could encapsulate the motives of most families. We come together with love, hope and best intentions.

And then life happens.

Stress, illness, colicky babies, lost jobs, infidelity, depression, spiritual malnutrition, too much work, too little fun, and lost love: Eventually those intentions get lost in the fog.

And innocent children can get hurt. While some are relatively unaffected, others carry their wounds silently and seek solace in getting stoned, smashed, or deprived of joy. And some come to offices like mine.

Understandably, they complain about what did or didn't happen to them and the injustices they endured. Many feel imprisoned by the injuries received from their parents, and many are. But while the emotional injury may be caused by the parents, they did not build the prison. It's the child's reaction that does that.

"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived," Maya Angelou wrote in a poem, "but if faced with courage, need not be lived again." We cannot change what our parents did, but we can change how we tell ourselves the story.

Several years ago, I treated a woman whose mother was drunk and out of control for much of her childhood. So, like most children in that situation, she looked to her father for protection. Because he didn't drink and was stable, she felt safe with him in her early years. But as she grew, he became more withdrawn and irritable.

One evening when she was 16 years old, her boyfriend dropped her off at home 30 minutes past her curfew. Her father slapped her in the face and called her a tramp.

She spent 20 years struggling with feelings of abandonment and rejection. Eventually she was able to tolerate the hurt and spent a long time assuming that for some reason, he had stopped loving her.

In time, as her defenses softened and she could tolerate more of her emotions, she came to understand that her pain was not because he didn't love her; it was because he didn't return the love she felt so deeply for him.

As father and daughter grew older, she realized how difficult it was for him to spend a lifetime with an alcoholic wife who was too sick to be a companion, and how loyal he was to stay in this very painful marriage. She came to appreciate that although he might not have been a very good father, he did have the best intentions.

Releasing resentment is one of the most difficult things we can do. But after all, wouldn't we want our children to forgive our mistakes and understand our intentions? Very few parents want to hurt their children. And few children want to carry a lifetime of resentment toward their parents.

This might be a pretty good day to honor all our founders.

Posted on Mon, Feb. 07, 2005
Shock jock restigmatizes depression
By Dan Gottlieb

Shock jocks are not paid to think; they are paid to shock. Craig Carton of New Jersey 101.5 was doing his job when he made some thoughtless comments about Mary Jo Codey, wife of acting Gov. Richard Codey.

Mary Jo Codey has a history of severe postpartum depression. She and her husband have been open about her condition in an effort to heighten awareness of this debilitating illness.

At the time of her illness, Mrs. Codey reported she had thoughts of putting her baby in the microwave. Carton figured this would be a good opportunity to legalize marijuana: "These women should have a joint and relax instead of putting their babies in a microwave."

This kind of small-minded prejudice might attract listeners to the radio, but it can do more harm than Carton probably realizes.

He might not know about a recent Surgeon General's report, which said that 20 percent of the U.S. population has a diagnosable mental illness.

If one counts the person's friends, family and coworkers, that means most of the country is affected by mental illness.

And despite these staggering numbers, it's somehow still OK to make fun of mental illness.

A stigma like this is generally a byproduct of ignorance, which dissipates once we learn more about the condition. Fifty years ago, cancer was stigmatized because people thought it might be contagious. In this case, knowledge diminished stigma.

But when it comes to mental illness, stigma persists despite some great strides. We know that most mental illness is a brain disorder and often genetically based. We know that it is not about weakness or poor choices. And we know that most forms of mental illness are treatable and have a good prognosis. Nevertheless, nearly two-thirds of people with mental illness fail to get treatment.

That's because there are too many like Carton who think it's OK to be prejudiced. And it's not just shock jocks. I am not aware of any health insurance that pays equally for physical and mental health.

Government should also share the blame. Its policies result in too few treatment spaces for needy people.

And because discrimination is so widespread, mental illness carries great shame. Many don't even seek treatment for fear of being "discovered."

Imagine living in a world where people are afraid of you, don't want to live near you, and don't even care to know who you are. In that world, it is more difficult to find a job or an apartment. Self-esteem, already hammered by the mental illness is brought lower by isolation. Stigma robs human dignity.

People like Carton don't understand how much people with mental illness suffer; how those with eating disorders or substance abuse struggle with their demons every hour; how those with depression or bipolar disorder have to muster incredible emotional courage just to function. When one loses control of one's mind, the effect is unfathomable.

I experienced clinical depression for about two years. That period was more painful than 25 years of quadriplegia. And this doesn't count the suffering of other people in my life.

The only thing that will help diminish stigma is understanding and respect. We must understand that mental illness is a disorder of the brain and not the soul.

But a small-minded shock jock wouldn't understand that. Maybe that's why the Codey responded by threatening to take Carton "outside."

I'm sure Codey knows that would not stop the prejudice, and would probably make it worse. And I am sure Codey understands that such a beating would probably help Carton's career and probably destroy his own. But despite that, if the acting governor decides to take him outside anyway, I'll hold his jacket and take him out to dinner when he's done.

Our Partners and Sponsors