"On Healing" March 2003

Posted on Mon, Mar. 31, 2003
Above all, young people must nurture their souls
By Dan Gottlieb

This column originally appeared on Feb. 17, but is being republished at the request of readers. Many missed the original because a heavy snowstorm canceled or delayed delivery of the newspaper.

An open letter to adolescents:

Last time, I talked about some of the stresses you are living with - specifically, the relentless pressure to achieve.

Many of you have told me the pressure you feel is constant, and in the process of trying to be better than you are, you feel alone and isolated.

I am worried that you live in an environment that is not conducive to nurturing the growth of your souls. Despite concern by your parents and school administrators, the situation continues to get worse. So, if your environment does not nurture your soul, you must do it on your own before it's too late.

What people really want is happiness. And many think that wealth and power mean happiness. Schools and parents see good grades, good colleges and popularity as your road to wealth and power. But really, wealth and power just make you rich and powerful. They don't make you happy. They don't nurture your soul.

Speaking of nurturing, eat lunch! I know it sounds simple, but there are lots of distractions during your already abbreviated lunch hour. The message is: Performance is the priority and lunch is secondary. Eat lunch - be kind to your body.

And while we're talking about taking care of your body, let's move on to sex, drugs and alcohol. First the good news: Alcohol, drugs and sex feel good. While you are high or having sex, nothing matters but your own pleasure; you are not thinking about grades, friends, or how you feel about yourself. That's why so many people abuse these things.

But the bad feelings come back, with guilt and remorse attached.

So our instinct is to look for alcohol, drugs or promiscuous sex again to take away the bad feelings. And so the cycle begins. By now, I am sure you know that abuse of these things can harm you physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am sure you are thinking this won't happen to you. Even if these things don't harm you, they won't help you.

People who look to outlets like these are people who need relief. Honor this need in two ways: Diminish the stress that causes the problems in the first place, and find relief that nurtures your soul. Remember, the goal is happiness, not just an effective way to cope with unreasonable stress.

You are growing up surrounded by wonderful technology; the technology is fun and entertaining, and it helps you accomplish many things - most by yourself. But once again, happiness - true happiness - can be found in relationships. Nurture the relationships you care about. Love who you love with great care and attention.

Everyone I have ever met who survived great adversity has said that they found someone in their lives who believed in them. It would be wonderful if that person was a parent, but it doesn't have to be. Find your mentor - someone who wants nothing but happiness for you; someone more concerned with what kind of person you become than what you achieve.

Most of you come from families where your parents love you very much and have made sacrifices for your welfare. When they say they want you to get into a great school, make the honor roll, or become successful, they really want you to feel happy and fulfilled.

Help your parents understand that achievement and fulfillment can be very different things, and their job is to support your journey toward fulfillment. Tell them you need their faith more than their concern. That their faith will help you find fulfillment, while their concern will only help you find stress and anxiety.

Explain that their job is not to help you become who you should be, but who you truly are. And tell them to have dinner with you. Research shows that children who have dinner with parents three times a week are less likely to use drugs.

And love. All living beings need to feel loved - not simply to know they are loved or to say they love someone; they need to feel love. Think about it: If you can't feel your parents' love, maybe they can't feel yours.

Think of all the people you love, and open your heart to them. You don't have to do anything or say anything. Just when you think about them, open your heart and let yourself feel love. More than anything, love nurtures your soul.

If you agree with these ideas, organize, unionize and demand meetings with your teachers and administrators. Discuss these issues in class - even have an assembly and hopefully generate some working groups.

Take all of these suggestions, or take none of them. But please take care of yourself.

Posted on Mon, Mar. 17, 2003
Children in divorce remain birth parents' top priority
By Dan Gottlieb

In preparing for war, President Bush has made it clear that he appreciates the awesome nature of this decision. I trust he has considered the economic and political costs. No doubt he has taken into account that many people will be killed, and that the long-term effects can never be foreseen.

But has he considered the children?

Iraqi children live with a "great fear of war," according to a report by the International Study Team, a group of experts on the psychological impact of war on children. They found 40 percent of the hundreds of children interviewed didn't think life was worth living. This makes sense; war looms on their soil.

And American children are more than passive observers of events. When they observe aggressive language or behavior on television, they are at risk for long-term consequences.

In a study recently published in the Journal of Developmental Psychology, psychologists at the University of Michigan looked at the relationship between children's exposure to television violence and their likelihood for aggressive behavior as adults. The researchers studied children growing up in the '70s and '80s and discovered that children's exposure to media violence predicted aggressive behavior as young adults. Of all the factors that predicted adult aggression, by far the most influential was what children saw on television.

When I interviewed Dr. Rowell Huesmann, principal investigator, he said certain types of violence could put children at even more risk. "The most powerful effects are produced by programs that display a charismatic hero, with whom the child can identify, engaging in violent acts that seem completely justified - for example, to rid the world of bad people."

Amy Jordan, director of research on aggression and the media at the Annenberg Public Policy Center at the University of Pennsylvania, said the most important finding is that children who saw violence as justified and realistic were more likely to bring that aggressive behavior into adulthood.

The children tested were affected by shows like Starsky and Hutch, The $6 Million Man, and Roadrunner. Television is more violent today than it was in 1970. Even more dangerous, it shows the caretakers of our country threatening real violence.

These are people whom children are supposed to identify with, people seen as heroes and leaders. TV viewers see increasingly aggressive and threatening behavior. If war breaks out, they will see worse.

Children will witness American soldiers - heroes - committing acts of violence. When children see violence without seeing its consequences, they are much more likely to conclude that violence is acceptable. We will, understandably, celebrate our war heroes and rejoice in our victories. And in the process, what will kids learn about violence? Plenty.

According to the study, many will learn violence does not necessarily have grave consequences. Others will simply learn the world is frightening. And some children will become numb, which could be the most dangerous reaction. The phenomenon called "psychic numbing" involves suppressing feelings too overwhelming to manage. Frequently, people who suppress these feelings will have other symptoms, such as depression and eating or anxiety disorders.

What can we do as parents? Younger children need to be reassured that they will be safe. Limit their exposure to TV news and violence. Watch TV with your young children. Help them understand what is real and what is "pretend." When they see violence, help them understand there are always consequences. Ask questions like: "I wonder if the other person is scared right now," or "I wonder how that guy's mother or father feels right now."

Forever, our young men have been called upon to be warriors and to be willing to sacrifice their lives for the greater good. They have been taught to suppress feelings of vulnerability, sadness and fear. They have been taught that aggression, on the battlefield, basketball court or workplace, is good and will help them achieve. And in today's world, our young women can also become warriors.

Sadly, we will always need warriors. Our young people will always be called upon to sacrifice their lives for the larger community. But while we are teaching them to "be all they can be," there is no one to teach them to be who they are - and to be who they were meant to be. Our children learn through role models. And it seems that when they turn on TV, all they see are people who use aggressive language and threaten to make war. Our children need to turn on the TV and see a role model who is a peacemaker. I think we all do.

Sometimes war is necessary. This may be one of those times. But when calculating the cost of war, look past military strategy and economics. Remember that the children are watching.

Posted on Mon, Mar. 3, 2003
Before a shot is fired, war takes its toll on children
By Dan Gottlieb

Dear Dr. Dan: Last May, my divorced son married a divorced woman with two children, a boy of 17 and a girl of 11. Her children join his three boys, ages 12, 8 and 6. He and his new wife are very well-suited, and we feel they will have a good life together. However, as you may have guessed, all is not without unpleasant happenings.

Our grandsons have never accepted our son's divorce and are very attached to their mother. Even after all this time, the 8-year-old asked his father recently if he still loved his mom. Our present daughter-in-law has tried to have them accept her. She makes wonderful meals for them and is very caring and loving with them. However, with all that she does, they practically ignore her. They have been to a counselor who recently stated, "The tide should have begun to turn a while ago." All this is beginning to affect the new wife's health, both physically and mentally. I fear it will damage their marriage.

"Jean," the first wife, really should have counseling, as she is very bitter about the divorce and has never taken time to get on with her own life. Our son also feels that she might be saying things in front of the boys to make them turn against him and his wife.

You will no doubt advise me to think of the Serenity Prayer from Alcoholics Anonymous, but I wonder if my husband and I can do something more than accepting things that cannot be changed. I thought of writing a letter to our oldest grandson about being kinder to his dad's new wife, but that might hurt his own mother. Perhaps talking to the boys would be more helpful, but we live in a retirement home far away, so we don't see them as much as we used to. Can you suggest anything that we can do?
- Rose

Dear Rose: The counselor who said the tide should have turned was wrong.

At the very least, everyone in the system is the product of divorce and has feelings of loss, betrayal, anger or insecurity. Add to that the children's complicated loyalty issues, normal developmental issues, the parents' and children's personalities, and we have a pretty complex system that is going to take more than just a few months to work smoothly.

Also, when your son remarried, he chose this woman. His children did not. Nor did they choose their new siblings. And they certainly didn't choose to be divorced in the first place.

These children have had their lives turned upside down and have not had a vote. They probably need what all children need: consistency, predictability, safety and love.

Your son's new wife should be playing a passive role in the boys' lives (as should your son with his new stepchildren). Initially, it has proven easier for the children if the stepparents become more like aunts and uncles, friends and consultants, rather than parent figures. The biological parent should always maintain responsibility and authority. So let's free your son's wife to just be a friend and begin the process of learning to love them.

On your concerns about your son's ex-wife, my advice is to continue to look toward what is best for the children right now. To ensure their mental health, the children need a good relationship with both their biological parents. Don't focus on what she has done wrong or the work she still needs to do.

The critical factor is whether they have a mother who loves them and is available for them. One who they can trust will care for them. So, right now the whole family should try to be grateful that your grandchildren have a safe home with a loving mother.

Your son and his first wife are clearly still angry at each other. Those of us who have been divorced know that in the early stages all we can feel is anger at our ex. We can find creative ways of blaming them for almost all of our problems. But divorced parents have to love their children more than they hate their ex. Your son and his first wife should respect, honor and thank one another for devoting time, energy and their lives to caring for their children. That would be the greatest gift they could give their children (and themselves). Remember, wherever the boys are exposed to gratitude, love and serenity is where they will feel safe.

One of the most painful aspects of divorce for children is the feeling that they have lost their parents. When both parents argue with each other, the children feel even more alone and alienated.

When my wife left, I asked my 16-year-old daughter how she was doing. She immediately began to cry as she said: "Before Mom left, I was happy with my life and looked forward to the future. Now I don't like my life and the future looks awful." As she sobbed quietly, my mind went in a thousand different directions as I thought of the things I could say in an effort to make her feel better. But instead, I said nothing.

As I listened to my precious child cry, I realized how sad, helpless and guilty I felt. So I held her hand and we cried together. It didn't fix the divorce, it didn't fix her pain. But it did help us feel less estranged and alienated from each other.

And your job? Well, you are right. You have little influence here. Be available for your family, listen to their pain, and understand that if they behave in a kind and compassionate way toward one another, the wounds will heal more quickly.

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