"On Healing" May 2006

Posted on Mon, May 29, 2006
How to cope when driven to distraction
By Dan Gottlieb

Dr. Gottlieb:
I have noticed over the past 10 years that I have become increasingly distracted and distractible, more irritable and anxious and less productive and creative.

I joke about whether I have "adult onset ADD" because I can't concentrate. I am starting to feel stupid. It's too hard to concentrate long enough to read or write anything. I've gotten up twice just in writing the first paragraph of this letter. My work has suffered, and the longer it goes on, the worse it gets.

I feel that I am approaching a crisis, which is why I recently filled a prescription for Prozac that was written over two months ago. I now find that I can't even pray - my brain can't seem to hold onto the rhythmic meditation of the Rosary, which used to be a great comfort to me.

I now have continual anxiety about what is not done. And now that I have my prescription for Prozac, I don't feel clear about what I "really" need to address - my biochemistry or my filing cabinet.
-Mary

Dear Mary,
You're right about adult onset ADD. Many of us are affected. I recently attended a conference with a colleague who was bragging about how independent he was because of his cell phone, portable laptop and BlackBerry (a.k.a. "crackberry").

Yet while others were lounging at the pool during their free time, he was often talking on the phone or answering e-mails.

Once our brain loses perspective, we are more likely to react to whatever comes our way rather than simply letting it go for another time. Reactivity becomes so habitual that breaking the habit requires practice just as altering any habit would.

Anxiety makes pain worse and vice versa. That's also true for emotional pain or even distractibility. You get behind in your work, so you get anxious, which makes you more distracted, and puts you further behind in your work. So the cycle must be broken.

Let's not address your biochemistry or your filing cabinet yet. From your letter, I tried to imagine what it was like to live inside your mind and I felt exhausted and a little frightened! If your mind is racing, your emotions must follow, and I can imagine how much tension you must be holding in your body.

You must first make a commitment to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as you would your own child or best friend if they were overwhelmed. You would shower them with kindness, understanding and love - or just hold them in your arms for a while.

Imagine doing that for yourself. Nothing will happen until you get some care and rest. And before you argue with me about how much needs to be done, think about how much is not getting done because of your apparent exhaustion.

Rest. Rest your body and tell yourself you will do nothing for the first half-hour of every day. Learn yoga or meditation or just listen to your favorite music. But the first 30 minutes is for nurture.

Then, take several breaks during the day for about five minutes. Leave your office and reconnect with your body and your physical environment. Monitor your breath and be aware of the state of your mind. It shouldn't take more than five minutes to calm down a bit. But do it several times a day.

This will begin to break the cycle of reactivity. Over time, you will notice that you can simply walk away from your work and then return and everything will be OK. You will also notice that your thoughts and emotions come and go regardless of what you do about them.

Prozac or other medication might help. Good psychotherapy might too, but none of that will make you better unless you commit to your own well-being several times a day.

Posted on Mon, May 15, 2006
To deal with child's anger and profanity, listen
By Dan Gottlieb

Dr. Gottlieb,
Our family is very upset about the profanity our 12-year-old daughter is using. Recently, when I was checking on her online conversations, with her present as I always do, I saw that she had typed that she "f-king hated her parents."

Not only was it disturbing to see it spelled out in print, but that she sent it to her friend really hurt. This outburst was the result of her father raising his voice to reprimand her for not doing something that he had asked her repeatedly to do. She started crying and stormed upstairs, and sent this comment to her friend.

I told her that we did not deserve this to be said about us and walked away with a very heavy heart. Her father went upstairs to apologize for raising his voice and said that it was not appropriate either.

Later, in a calm voice, I said that if she ever used profanity like that again on the Web or elsewhere, her computer rights would be terminated.

She said "OK." But she broke my heart with that comment. I have lost trust in her. I since found that she curses regularly on the Web. She must have very low self-esteem.

This is mind-boggling to me since she gets great marks, has many supportive friends, is well-liked by boys, and seems happy.

Since this has occurred, she is very cold to us overall.

Am I overreacting or does she have a problem? She seems very self-centered. How do we restore trust and love in our family?
Worried Mother

Dear Worried,
In Greek mythology, an evildoer named Procrustes kept an inn, where he put lodgers in a "special bed." If they were too short, he stretched them, and if they were too tall, he cut off their feet!

Our institutions, like houses of worship, schools, and families, can do that with children. No matter who they are, we ask them to act in a certain way and believe specific things. Some of this is necessary or we wouldn't have an orderly society. But some of it can harm children.

Your daughter is clearly angry at you. You seem troubled both by the way she is expressing her anger, and that she is angry in the first place.

But anger is the voice of injustice. Whenever you see anger, you'll see someone who feels they have been slighted. And people have more intense emotions during adolescence.

So telling her not to be angry is like putting her in Procrustes' bed. Telling her not to curse - well, that's another thing. Punishment may control her behavior temporarily, but will only make her more angry.

It is extremely unlikely she would make up her anger. So first I would ask her about it and how she feels about her life. And then listen for as long as it takes for her to express her feelings. Don't speak, and especially don't criticize her or try to defend yourself.

Children should respect their parents, I agree. I also think parents should respect their children. That means all children should have rules and face consequences. But just like adults, they need to be heard.

Your desire to restore love in the family is more easily done than changing her self-centeredness. Most children are self-centered at this age. After all, she is just beginning to develop a sense of self. But your child needs your faith as much as she needs your rules.

As for restoring love, here's a thought. St. John of the Cross said: "Where you find no love, put love, and you will find love."

You can teach her how to love better not by lecturing, but through role-modeling. You can teach her about compassion, respect and understanding by demonstrating those things to her. But you cannot teach them by telling her about them.

Just love her a little bit better. That will be easy. Then listen to her. And then you can tell her about your fears, wishes and values. You can say which of your rules are not negotiable and why. But remember, listen before you speak.

Posted on Mon, May 1, 2006
Age 6 - as seen from age 60
By Dan Gottlieb

Dear Sam,
By coincidence, you turn 6 this month and I turn 60 a couple of weeks later. Because of your autism, you are a little different from many 6-year-olds. And I am different from many 60-year-olds because of my quadriplegia!

For you, the world can sometimes feel a little scary. You need more predictability and structure than most kids your age. When your day varies from routine, your mom creates a picture story in the morning so you know exactly what will happen and in what sequence.

For me, my body is probably more tired than most of my peers. After all, it has been working very hard since my injury 26 years ago.

But the issues are pretty much the same for both of us when it comes to what it means to be human.

Many years ago, one of my teachers said the best way to master something new is to learn it, do it, and then teach it. I think this is how life works. The brain is constantly learning.

And the beauty of your age is that you don't know how much you don't know! So you feel excitement and awe about learning. Your brain, mind and heart are wide open to drinking in new information about security and independence or the difference between play and work. Through your parents, you are beginning to develop a moral compass and learn some of the differences between men and women.

When you hit adolescence, you will find yourself in the "do it" stage of life. You will develop your ego and identity. And if you are like many adolescents, you will test limits.

From adolescence to near my age, most of what people do is create; they create relationships and lives. They build monuments and move mountains, and if they are fortunate, discover their strengths and limits. They will learn who they are and who they are not, and see themselves as part of the world.

Sometimes people in this stage forget how much they don't know and think they know more than they really do. Sadly, these people can no longer feel awe. Some of them do pretty destructive things to themselves, other people, and even the planet. Others just feel empty or feel nothing at all.

The third stage, consolidation, is a time when we look back over our lives and think about what we have learned and what we would like to leave future generations.

Most people at 60 are not yet in this stage, but because of my quadriplegia, I have been thinking about this for several years. That's why I wrote you the book Letters to Sam. I wanted to tell you about my life and what I have learned.

I would like to see every grandparent write about this to their grandchildren. Our grandchildren will benefit from hearing about our dreams and nightmares. And all grown-ups benefit from deep reflection over their lives. Older people have so much to teach.

Sam, when we had dinner last week, you turned to me spontaneously and said: "When I get older, you will be dead, right?" When I said yes, you turned to your mother and asked for more ketchup!

I know you are mulling over matters of life and death, and you seem to understand that you will be alive longer than your pop.

But I want to tell you what I once learned from the great teacher of meditation, Jon Kabat-Zinn. He once asked how many points are in a line one-foot long. Of course, the answer is infinite. Then he asked the same of a line one-inch long. Same answer.

So, my sweet Sam, if I am able to experience my life fully, guess how many moments I have left? Same as you - infinite.

Love,
Pop

Our Partners and Sponsors