"On Healing" June 2005

Posted on Mon, Jun. 27, 2005
If the brain had a better filter, we'd all be happier
By Dan Gottlieb

After 30 years of studying the human mind, I think I finally understand how it works - and how it doesn't.

The mind is like a kidney.

Every day the kidneys receive about 200 quarts of blood and automatically decide what's nutritious and what can become just urine.

Every day the mind receives billions of messages - sensory stimulation, reflections on the past, hopes for the future, reactions to emotions, etc. The problem is, the mind doesn't decide very well which thoughts are nutritious and which represent waste material. Whereas kidneys filter out about 1 percent of the blood, the mind should probably spike about 90 percent of its thoughts!

But because of our fundamental belief that we are the center of our universe, we believe that everything that goes through our minds is valuable. So while watching television, the thought may arise that "I haven't spoken to my mother in a week. I'll bet she's angry at me." With no filter, that thought spirals to "I hate when she gets angry at me. All she does is try to make me feel guilty. I'll be darned if I will call her tonight."

Or, on occasion you look in the mirror in the morning and the mind says: "You look awful today, that double chocolate cake you had for dinner has added five pounds. You have bags under your eyes the size of luggage." Without a functioning filter, you assume this is true so you are self-conscious about your appearance when you get to work. When your colleague greets you and looks away quickly, this only validates your perception that you look terrible and you are even more embarrassed!

This mental activity can ruin a day, interfere with sleep, and greatly diminish our chances of being happy. And all of it belongs in our psychic bladder.

Most humans I have met have a voice inside their head that is always assessing their looks or performance. Not a literal voice, like a hallucination, but a constant stream of self-assessment. Many refer to this voice as the "judge" who never finds us "not guilty"! Some might refer to this as our conscience or superego, but the "judge" is different. There is a quality in this jurist that tells us if we beat ourselves up enough, we will be better people.

Now here is the problem: Most treat this "judge" as the voice of ultimate truth. But the real truth is the problem with our psychological filters. I honestly believe that if it were not for the "judge," my colleagues and I would be looking for different jobs!

Many of us err by either taking the inner voice literally or running to stay one step ahead of the criticism. As with most psychological problems, the healing is in the relationship.

In Yann Martels' Life of Pi, a young boy finds himself on a lifeboat with a 450-pound Bengal tiger in the middle of the Indian Ocean. He knows he cannot kill this tiger, but the tiger could kill him. The tiger cannot be controlled, and Pi has nowhere to hide. He also must share his meager supplies with the tiger because he doesn't particularly want to share a lifeboat with a hungry cat.

This is the nature of being human. We float on this unpredictable ocean called life beset by internal tigers.

The truth is, our judges are neither keepers of the truth nor Bengal tigers. Our judges are simply internal voices that may be longing for attention. Perhaps it is the part of you that feels anxious and insecure. There is really no need to run or even react, just listen and then filter. Please remember to filter.

By the way, when Pi finally lands on a beach near a forest, the tiger runs away. And Pi cries. He's lost his companion.

Posted on Mon, Jun. 20, 2005
Rate of expulsions speaks poorly of schools
By Dan Gottlieb

The Yale Child Study Center recently released a report saying that 5,000 preschool children are expelled each year.

Although the study did not describe the kinds of behavior that triggered expulsion, anyone who has visited a preschool knows that controlling a room full of 4-year-olds can be like herding cats!

We also know that preschool teachers can be poorly paid and trained, and might lack the skills to handle complex behavior problems. Indeed, the study showed that when teachers had access to psychologists or consultants, the expulsion rate was cut in half.

Over the last several years, I have spoken with many teachers and developmental psychologists. Most report that the children in today's classrooms are more difficult. And why? Partly because children are overstimulated, overcontrolled and overmanaged.

The nature of preschool has also changed.

Preschool used to focus on teaching small children the skills they would need in kindergarten: socializing, sharing, tolerating disappointment, and learning to function in a group. Today, many preschools are focused on academic achievement. Children are spending more time in chairs learning their ABCs. This is inconsistent with brain development at this age and could be contributing to the dismissals.

Perhaps part of the problem stems from poorly prepared teachers, overly structured schools, and unreasonable external demands. But expulsion? Walter Gilliam, lead author of the study, suggests the data might say more about schools than children. I agree.

I recently got some insight into school policy when I spoke to a third grader who had just been suspended from school. She had carved a heart in the bathroom door with a pen. I called the school principal who explained: "That's destruction of school property, and we have a zero-tolerance policy." Most teachers I spoke with supported the policy, saying that a child who defaces school property must learn a lesson. I doubt we would have a problem with overcrowding if we suspended all children who had carved their initials on a desk!

I agree it is important to learn from mistakes. But what is the lesson this girl learned?

When she returned to school, the children made fun of her, her friends wouldn't talk to her, and she told me that she hated herself for what she did.

And why is this happening? Schools are under unreasonable pressure. Parents want to make sure their progeny get all the attention they need. Our government creates pressure requiring children to take tests, and schools often lack the funds they need to produce the mandated results.

When individuals or institutions experience great stress, they may act to diminish the short-term problem while doing long-term harm. Suspending a child will help teachers and administrators who feel anxious in the face of disruptive behavior. But it does nothing over time to help reverse the trend in suspensions.

We do the same thing in families. When a child's behavior distresses us, we generally holler, then lecture, and then punish. It works for the moment, but the behavior generally returns.

At the time of the "crime," my little friend had just discovered that she really liked a little boy in the class and was too embarrassed to tell anyone. She declared her love in a bathroom stall, not understanding that she was destroying property. How much everyone could have learned if that child could have talked about how to manage her feelings while she was repainting the bathroom door.

Children must have consequences for their behavior. The penalties should be clear and consistent, and delivered without anger. But when small children are being suspended in large numbers, a long-term solution demands that we look at our behavior.

Posted on Mon, Jun. 06, 2005
This couple's life about as unhappy as they can stand
By Dan Gottlieb

I recently consulted with an unhappy couple in their mid-40s.

Her first story: I work 30 hours a week and come home to care for the children and the house. When he comes home, usually after we've done dinner and cleaned up, he either works or turns on the television. I am tired and lonely, and he doesn't seem to care.

His first story: I am working as hard as I can to keep this family afloat. I come home exhausted only to find a wife who complains about me from the minute I get in the door.

My first impression: Both partners are unhappy, feeling deprived and emotionally malnourished. And they blame their spouses. Neither has found a path for resolution, and if this continues much longer, they will stop looking for one. I begin asking each one about their lives in more detail.

His second story: He is a successful professional working for a large nonprofit. He understands that his job depends on his successes and when they stop, he becomes unemployed. To stay on top, he works six days a week and often has to bring work home.

Compounding the issue, he and his wife decided to move to a relatively affluent area with good schools. He doubts they could afford the house if he lost his job.

So while his job causes stress, it is also the only area where he gets positive feedback. He feels his wife doesn't even like him, let alone respect him. He rarely gets to see his children and when he does, they feel distant. He has almost no time for joy.

When he was a boy, his father left him and his mother. And for the next 10 years, his mother was bitter. His marriage is starting to feel like his childhood. Something needs to change because he cannot live with this much unhappiness.

Her second story: She works part time, which enables her to get home to take her children to their after-school activities. She feels all of her days are consumed by work without any human connection. When her husband comes home, she wants a friend and companion but finds one who seems unavailable and uninterested. Behind her resentment, she feels terribly lonely and unloved.

My story: This is the pattern of many marriages: expecting too much of themselves and each other. Many things might have prevented this. If public education were good in every community, they could live in a home they could afford. If workplaces were more civil or mothers had more time, things would be easier. But we are not going to change society, and this couple does not want therapy. They said they couldn't afford it, and could not even find the time to go every week.

So what to do?

It's easy to say cut back on stress. But that's like a doctor telling an obese person to lose weight. Not gonna happen. So here is an alternative:

Step 1: I told them to begin by talking to each other for 10 minutes while making eye contact about what they want in their lives and where their marriage fits into that. If it is not a priority for one or both of them, then they must consult with a qualified couples therapist if they don't want this relationship to end. If it is a priority, proceed to Step 2, which requires 15 minutes a day:

Take five minutes each morning before the hectic activities start. Sit quietly alone where you will not be interrupted. Feel yourself in your body and just notice your breath. Just take those five minutes to check in on your life.

The other 10 minutes will be at the end of the day. Sometime before they go to sleep, they must talk with their spouse in a very structured way. Each should talk for five minutes without interruption about anything they like that is personal. Except... they are not allowed to say anything critical about each other, and the monologue should remain focused on themselves.

And finally, I advised them to expand the time from 15 to 30 minutes if they found it helpful. If it was marginally helpful, they should consider taking a marriage enrichment course or going into therapy. But they must remember that much of their pain is about their lifestyle and not their spouse.

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