"On Healing" June 2007

Posted on Mon, June 25, 2007
4 words can change you and others
By Dan Gottlieb

It came to me in the middle of the night a couple of weeks ago, four words that could change the world:

Tell me your story.

These four words could have an impact on everything from global conflict to personal well-being. All we have to do is ask others to tell us their stories and then be quiet. Oh, one other thing: While you are listening, try to imagine what it would be like - and how you would feel - if it were your story. That's called empathy.

So just ask people for their stories, listen, imagine, and feel - sounds naive, doesn't it? Stick with me here.

First, saying these words will change you. Listening to others is an act of emotional generosity, and there is ample evidence that generosity stimulates the brain's endorphins - natural antidepressants.

In addition, a recent article in the Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease showed that feeling empathy toward another helps increase one's sense of connection. The more people we feel connected with, the more secure we feel. Plus, when we listen deeply to another person's experience something gets very quiet and peaceful inside. That's because we are thinking not about ourselves but about the other person. Most psychotherapists experience this in our daily work.

Second, this little exercise will change the person whose story you've asked for. Socrates may have overstated the issue a bit when he said, in modern translation, "an unexamined life is not worth living," but we humans do have a fundamental need to be understood for who we are. Think of how full we feel when someone looks in our eyes and says she wants to know how we experience our lives.

In today's world, social networks are shrinking. The number of people who report having no intimate friends is increasing. Simple eye contact, along with a caring "tell me your story," can go a long way toward diminishing someone's feelings of alienation and aloneness. I've spoken those words to kids of all ages in all kinds of neighborhoods. Most thank me for asking - and say that no one has ever done so before.

Third, beyond diminishing alienation and increasing a sense of connection, these four words can have a biological effect on both parties. According to Herbert Adler, a psychiatrist at Jefferson, compassion in the doctor-patient relationship actually changes each person's biological healing system. And if that happens in those relationships, it happens in other relationships. It literally promotes healing.

Imagine an Israeli soldier and a fighter from Hamas sitting together in a room, not trying to kill each other or even change an attitude but saying those four words and then listening to the answer. Imagine yourself saying them to anyone you've judged harshly. Or having someone say he would like to hear your story and get to understand you better. Try it with a neighbor you don't know very well, a relative with whom you've had a misunderstanding. Try it with a street person and see what happens to both of you.

Just four words. We could start a movement. As a matter of fact, my daughter gave me 250 Tell Me Your Story bumper stickers for Father's Day. So the first 249 people who send me a self-addressed, stamped envelope can join me in starting the movement!

Posted on Mon, June 11, 2007
Learning to trust and love again
By Dan Gottlieb

Dear Dr. Dan:I read with great interest your May 14 column on healing after betrayal, but you didn't say anything about couples who break up. My husband was the "offending spouse" and we recently divorced after 20 years of marriage.

I still feel all the emotions you mentioned: shock, anger, sense of loss, and loss of trust in my ability to have an intimate relationship. The way I feel now, I never want to open myself to that betrayal again.

I've gained weight so I'm less attractive to men. My motto these days is "The more I know people, the more I love my dog." Is there any hope to get back a sense of trust in myself and relationships? -Hurt and Confused

Dear Hurt and Confused: Your letter highlights the basic health of the human mind/soul. You said you never want to open yourself up again, yet your last sentence expresses longing to feel trust some day. That sense of closing off is healthy. Chinese medicine calls it a "heart protector"; to a neurobiologist you have diminished oxytocin, the brain's trust hormone. The anger protects your broken heart while it stabilizes after the shock.

And then, most begin to wonder: Did they nag too much? Were they not sexual enough? Are they lovable?

When my wife left after 19 years I felt overwhelming fear at times about my ability to function as a single man with two daughters. I wondered if anyone would ever love me again. The emotions would turn in an instant to rage at my wife, who I blamed for all my suffering. It was an ongoing loop of shame and blame.

Please allow yourself to feel what you feel with all its intensity. This doesn't mean your feelings reflect facts, or that you must do something about them. Just feel.

When the intensity diminishes, you might find yourself feeling great sadness. Besides a spouse, you lost your best friend, your identity, your vision of your future. Like all great losses, these must be mourned. It is a process of saying goodbye to what we had, of opening up to the genuine pain that goes with loss. Because it is an expression of more tender and vulnerable emotions, mourning starts a transition from a closed heart to an open one.

Healing is a natural process. With few exceptions, broken hearts heal. But you can help the process along:

Spend time with those who understand what you're experiencing and will not rush you through it. And try to expand your circle of close friends.

Reconnect with yourself. You have spent many years as part of a couple. You know what you have lost; explore what you have found. You might discover parts of your personality that have been dormant since you wed. Certainly over time you will discover your own resilience.

Don't isolate yourself. You'll need time alone to move through the process, but if you find yourself canceling work or social engagements, it could be a sign that you need some help.

Do things that bring you happiness, and do at least one of them every day.

Your heart will heal.

How do I know? With few exceptions, that's what happens. If you were happy and loving before your marriage ended, you will be again. That doesn't necessarily mean you will marry again, nor does it mean you will have the life you once envisioned. But as you heal, you will dream new dreams.

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