"On Healing" July 2003

Posted on Mon, Jul. 21, 2003
Divorce turned daughter against him
By Dan Gottlieb

I recently received a letter from a man who described living in a "very lonely marriage" for almost two decades. Because his wife apparently had been withdrawn and emotionally unavailable, he took on the role of primary caretaker for their 13-year-old daughter. After years of trying to communicate his loneliness with his wife, he finally moved out of the bedroom.

A year later, he fell in love with a coworker and began having an affair. This led to a very ugly divorce in which the affair became public information, and his wife gained primary custody.

Two years later, as he plans to marry this new woman, he is exposed almost daily to his daughter's hatred. Sometimes it takes the form of vicious language; sometimes the hatred turns physical. He goes on to say that he is finally with a woman he finds caring and loving - something he had not experienced in many years. But at the same time, he feels he is dying on the inside for the apparent loss of his only natural child.

Any loving father in this man's position would have concerns. Here are his:

She has had two years to accept this. Does my child have any responsibility in making an independent decision of treating me with respect?

I love my daughter with all my heart, and I let her know that; but the verbal and sometimes physical abuse she places on me makes it difficult for me to see any future of her in my life. My ex is a big part of this, but the courts will do very little to stop it. Have I lost my child? Do I watch and wait for her to grow up? What should I expect of my daughter in relation to my new wife and her children? I will not accept physical or verbal disrespect. How should I approach this situation in my battle to bring my child back into my life, or is all lost? Is there hope for my relationship with my child, or do I have to wait until she is 24 years old to understand that I wasn't such a bad guy?

Dear Reader,

The most important question you raise is whether you have lost your daughter. The hatred is about betrayed love. So as long as she hates you, she still cares - even loves you. Since you were her primary caretaker for all those years, I would imagine she adored and trusted you. And, despite the fact that what you did may be a very human reaction to great suffering, you still betrayed your daughter (and your wife). This is a fact. It does not mean you are a bad person, nor does it mean that you necessarily made the wrong decision. It also does not mean that you should subject yourself to disrespect and abuse. But it does mean that you have brought pain to this child.

You said that she had two years to accept this and wonder if your daughter should take responsibility to treat you with respect. Average recovery time from divorce is about five years. That's average; sometimes the bitterness lasts for many years thereafter. And that is for adults! You should also know that broken skin heals at a rate of 1 millimeter a day, but what about your daughter's broken heart? So two years is only the beginning.

And yes, your daughter should treat you with respect. But I think that is almost too much to ask for. A child her age needs safety after trauma, and right now she is apparently finding that with her mother. Until things settle down (preferably with counseling), she probably will think like her mother, also.

So what can you do?

Because you hurt her, eventually you must make amends. The first step is to make a genuine effort to understand her agony and rage.

Try to understand what it must be like for her to have lost what she once considered the only stability in her life. Understand that her rage probably protects her from deeper loss, suffering and emptiness - emotions she will feel as the rage dissipates. Understand how frightened she must be now that she has lost her primary caretaker and is living with a woman who may have been withdrawn and unreliable most of her life.

Give yourself plenty of time to understand her pain. Although this might take a long time, when (or if) she is willing, ask her questions that convey your genuine interest in her experience and not your effort to change her thinking.

On the other hand, this does not give her permission to behave in a way that harms people. Every time she hurts you, she feels worse about herself. (See my last column.)

Explain to her that she can hate you but still must not hurt you. Explain to her that she can hate you for 1,000 years, but your love for her will always be greater than her hatred for you. If need be, tell her that every day. But she will need more than your words. You must behave in a way that communicates love.

I am sure you understand that even if you do all of these things, there are no guarantees. The only guarantee is that your daughter and you will continue to feel the pain of alienation until she feels safe enough to look you in the eye and open her heart.

[My last column was about how most of us hurt others and have been hurt by words. Among the letters I received were several from people who called themselves chronic complainers or pessimists and wanted to know how to change. It is important to know that chronic pessimism, cynicism or even sarcasm could be signs of low-grade depression, which might be quite treatable. Please consult a mental-health professional.]

Posted on Mon, Jul. 07, 2003
Like sticks and stones, words truly can harm you
By Dan Gottlieb

As we celebrate the anniversary of our Constitution, think about what the document actually is: words.

They are words that shaped this nation. Words can also destroy a nation. The words of Sen. Joseph McCarthy came close to destroying all of the freedoms the Constitution affords. Words can wound a nation, words can begin or end war, and words can injure a psyche.

There are two kinds of injuries to the psyche - big ones like divorce, illness or violence. And then there are little injuries - the hurts we almost don't notice. Often I think it is the little ones that cause more damage. Like when children make fun of each another, or when parents say things like: "You are so lazy (or needy, or irresponsible)." Or when our partner frequently complains about us. Each one of these by themselves may not be much of a problem, but the pain accumulates.

Most of us were told, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me." However, ask anyone who experiences low self-esteem or is self-critical if that aphorism is true. How many of us still remember criticism by a teacher? Or someone who told us we weren't good enough or smart enough? Certainly the kids responsible for the Columbine shootings knew the pain of words.

By now you are probably remembering all of the times you have been hurt by words; maybe hurts you didn't even notice at the time, like when someone rolled their eyes at you and said: "Whatever."

These words hurt because we are social animals, and how we experience ourselves depends, in part, on how the community reacts to us. So if we grow up in a family that sees us as a troublemaker, an underachiever, or a burden, then that's how we will begin to see ourselves. If we are in a relationship where we are judged and frequently criticized, we will begin to feel badly about ourselves.

Despite knowing the pain these words cause, we still use them to hurt others.

Rabbi Joseph Telushkin, in his book, Words That Hurt, Words That Heal, describes how he asks audiences if they could imagine not saying harsh words either about or to anyone for 24 hours. He goes on to say that he consistently finds that the vast majority say they cannot imagine doing a full day without some form of criticism or gossip.

Why?

Murray Bowen, one of the originators of family therapy, explains that most two-person relationships are unstable. When we are one-on-one, just talking about ourselves, anxiety frequently builds. And the best way to diminish the anxiety is to talk about a third person. Any of us who have ever been in a conversation know that once we began talking about a third person, the discussion soon focuses on their faults. So that if you and I agree that the third person has "issues," then we have just created the illusion of closeness.

There are other reasons for criticism. Criticizing someone else could be the voice of frustration, helplessness, or exasperation. It could be an attempt to help you feel better about yourself. It can be the voice of injustice: "You are never on time, and I am always embarrassed by your behavior."

The problem with these criticisms is that they rarely achieve their goal. When we condemn someone, we don't feel better about ourselves, less frustrated or exasperated, and we rarely find justice.

As a matter of fact, criticizing others causes us harm. Negative emotions expressed are negative emotions felt.

Think about how you feel when you express negative thoughts or feelings toward someone. In addition to hurting others, these words contribute to our own sense of alienation. The more faults we find in others, the more alone we feel. This holds true whether we are criticizing loved ones, neighbors, ethnic groups, or even other countries. I have witnessed many family dinner conversations lead to the discussion centered on a "crazy neighbor," or an ethnic group. Although the motive might be to make us feel better than them, the result is that we feel different from them. And the more we criticize, the more alone we feel.

I treated a man whose child had died about a year earlier. At the time of his child's death, the man was a high-achieving executive who did not hesitate to use aggressive language at work and at home. Having experienced the terrible pain of losing a child, he began to feel compassion for all people who suffer. One day he came into my office and said, "You know, I just realized that in the past several months, I have not said one harsh word to or about anyone. And I feel better in many respects. I feel better about myself, better about those around me, and more loving towards my world."

Maybe if we want to change the world, we need to "talk the talk" - for just one day.

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