"On Healing" July 2004

Posted on Mon, Jul. 19, 2004
With violence all around, keep it out of the home
By Dan Gottlieb

We have long known that exposure to violence puts people at risk for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). And we know that trauma from violence can affect every relationship. Now, in an article recently published in the International Journal of Emergency Mental Health, investigators found that many of the social workers who counseled large numbers of people traumatized by the Sept. 11 attacks developed symptoms of PTSD themselves.

So imagine what is happening to our children who, according to University of Pennsylvania psychologist George Gerbner, witness 20 acts of violence per hour when watching television.

The Surgeon General and the American Psychological Association have found that children exposed to television violence are at risk for becoming aggressive, fearful or desensitized. Children may become less sensitive to pain and suffering and see the world around them as a threatening place. Moreover, they may become less sensitive to their own suffering.

I recently asked a 17-year-old boy how he felt about the video games he was playing: "At first the violence was pretty upsetting and disgusting. Now I have gotten used to it, and it doesn't bother me anymore."

The media aren't the only culprits. Our children are exposed to violence at school, on the streets, and even at home. Children who frequently witness their parents' verbal battles, in which the language is aggressive and demeaning, can become anxious, withdrawn or depressed. This also can happen to children who are frequently criticized in a way that is global or humiliating. Because children can become so anxious and overstimulated, their anxiety will often mimic symptoms of ADHD. Many of these children are misdiagnosed and inappropriately medicated. Sadly, the medication will work sufficiently so that the symptoms are diminished and the real problem never gets looked at.

There is something you can do: Those social workers in the 9/11 study who reported that their home environment was safe and nurturing were much less likely to experience PTSD. So I propose that we do whatever we can to make our homes as violence-free as possible.

For example:

As a family, restrict TV and do more activities that everyone enjoys. When you do watch TV and see violence, talk about what it means - the effects on the victim, perpetrator, and their loved ones. This helps put that violence in context and limits desensitization.

Be aware of verbal aggression in your home. Conflict is inevitable, and can even be healthy. Children feel safer when they watch their parents resolve conflict in a mutually respectful way. But no one does well when the language gets hurtful or even violent. When there is conflict, be clear about what you feel, what you want, and what is troubling you. Remember, the only reason you are in conflict is that both of you are feeling distress. Try to simply understand the distress without shame or blame.

Keep the language in your house as free from criticism as possible. Some criticism is necessary, but it should be used in a way that will help someone.

Even generalizations about other people or groups will interfere with making it a safe home. Discrimination can add to children's sense of isolation and raise their anxiety.

A family project devoted to helping others enhances compassion and raises the body's natural antidepressants - increasing one's sense of well-being.

From fairy tales to children's stories to the deepest calling of one's soul, home is supposed to be a safe place. And in today's world, that may not come without intention.

Posted on Mon, Jul. 05, 2004
Wife can't tell husband she's upset
The closeness has faded, and she feels the responsibility is hers alone.
By Dan Gottlieb

Dear Dr. Dan: I've been married almost 22 years, but I don't feel very close to my husband. I was in therapy about 12 years ago, and my therapist told me it's my fault because I won't tell him when he makes me upset. I just can't. I feel like it will make things worse if I say something, because he'll get angry.

I don't want to give up on this relationship but I can't seem to change. The more I try to "force" myself to talk to him, the more angry I get at myself for not succeeding. Therapy helped me with some other social problems I had, but not this. Do you think I should try again?
-Confused and anxious

Dear Confused: You said you don't feel very close to your husband, but you didn't say what you do feel toward him. Understanding that will give us some insight about the genuine emotions you experience.

The therapist you saw 12 years ago was wrong. Not being close to one's spouse is never just one person's fault. Usually it's a matter of two people with different agendas struggling to be heard.

Ultimately, everyone wants to be understood, especially by those they are close to. But generally when you are in conflict, even slight conflict, nobody is listening.

Yes, you should try again, but I have a feeling that when you "force" yourself to talk to him, you are doing much more talking than listening. Most valuable dialogue begins with listening. Simply tell him that you are feeling nervous and insecure about having this discussion. I hope that helps.

•

Marriages, like most living things, live or die in small increments. He might forget her birthday and she might not say anything. Later, she makes a joke in public about one of his quirky habits, and he is hurt but doesn't say anything. Soon they stop laughing together, then they stop making love.

What is missing in these distressed marriages, or any distressed relationship for that matter, is empathy. The reason we don't show empathy in distressed relationships is because empathy is about understanding the experience of others and caring. This is almost impossible to do when we feel hurt, ashamed, angry or insecure. As a matter of fact, it's difficult to feel empathy when we are not calm inside. And with any conflict, empathy is the beginning of healing.

Most people in conflict are fighting for some kind of victory, when what they really want is peace and understanding. As we know from the world stage, peace doesn't necessarily follow victory. Peace is something that must be created in a context of mutual understanding.

So how do we go from mutual hurt, anger and buried feelings to empathy and compassion for our mates? First we must experience compassion for ourselves. Most of us behave as though there is something wrong with us. We hide our vulnerable feelings and we overachieve to compensate for what we feel is a defect. We disavow parts of ourselves and yet we long to be understood.

If we can suspend self-criticism and feel compassion for ourselves, it might sound like this: "He missed my birthday; that makes me feel sad and lonely." Or "when she made that joke about me, I felt ashamed and hurt." These are just emotions and don't necessarily mean you have to do anything. Nor do they mean your spouse is an ogre. They just mean you are feeling pain. Compassion is noticing that you are hurt and simply caring about it.

When you can soften to yourself, you can soften to your partner and listen. If your partner is hurt, that doesn't mean you are bad or even responsible. It just means that the person you care about is hurt.

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