"On Healing" August 2006

Posted on Mon, Aug. 21, 2006
A mother cannot, should not, protect a grown daughter
By Dan Gottlieb

Dear Dr. Dan:
My 22-year-old daughter is a senior at a nearby university. She is beautiful, smart and well-rounded. But she seems to be taking one step forward and two steps back.

The people she befriends have had a negative effect on her. I am most concerned with her "boyfriends." She gets into very short-lived and intense relationships with boys I consider of much lower quality than her high school friends.

Recently she admitted that she had been experimenting with drugs, but used her willpower and got out of that situation (and I believe her).

As a mother, how do I "protect" my daughter? Do I need to stay out of giving advice?

I want to have a good relationship with her and love her unconditionally, but it is painful to watch how these new friends are dragging her down.

When I try to get involved and "help," she starts yelling and claiming that I criticize her.

Please help!
-- Worried Mother
Dear Worried:
Those who specialize in working with children say that young children need a manager - someone who controls the environment and keeps them safe. Once they hit puberty and adolescence, they need more of a coach - someone who backs off and lets them find their own footing while staying very involved in their lives.

Parents of adolescents should create an environment that nurtures open dialogue about their choice in friends, about Internet sites, even the difficult issues of drugs and sex.

Parental love, involvement and genuine interest open the door for dialogue. Parental anxiety, judgment and criticism close the door.

Now, about your 22-year-old. At this point in most young people's lives, they're trying to figure out who they are. It's not unusual for them to experiment with friends, drugs and sex. And many in this generation can be in their late 20s or early 30s before they find their footing.

I hear your anxiety about her taking one step forward and two steps back. But when you think about it, don't we all? And what has been your most valuable education in life? Mine has come from the steps back, not the steps forward. In that regard, she sounds like she's on track.

As for her friends, there are many possibilities. First, you may be seeing her friendships through your anxiety, which can be blinding. Second, she may see something in them you're not able to see. Third, I would imagine she and her friends have something in common. So instead of judging them as "poor quality," it might be constructive to have her tell you about her friends and why she's attracted to them. And if she does, please don't try to talk her out of these relationships. Unsolicited advice is not something people typically hear.

I am thrilled that she feels safe enough with you to talk about drugs. If you take this information with concern and compassion, she'll continue to be open. If you respond with anxiety, anger or judgment, the door will probably close.

You cannot protect your daughter, nor should you. We all want our children to go forward having the tools to take care of themselves. I am sure you would rather have a resilient daughter who could handle adversity over a fragile daughter with a diligent mother.

And finally, the fact that your image of your daughter is about steps forward and back, and about friends who aren't quite the quality of the ones you envision for her, suggests to me that you see a clear path for her with a clear goal. Whether it's conscious or not, please keep in mind that is your path and not necessarily hers.

As our children age, they need our faith more than they need our management skills.

Posted on Mon, Aug. 7, 2006
Shy bladder caused decades of shame
By Dan Gottlieb

Dear Dr. Dan:
Thanks for the opportunity to contact you in this anonymous medium, because it would be intolerable for me to face anyone with my curse.

I have suffered from a misery with the technical name of parauresis, or shy bladder syndrome, since I was a child.

I was traumatized as a little boy by my mother who insisted on giving me enemas at the slightest provocation and would examine the contents of the toilet when she knew I was in the bathroom.

The bathroom had no lock and I would wait for a bathroom session until nobody was around to see me do my business.

This anxiety has carried over for my entire life, and I have never been able to use a public bathroom. I am now 74 years old and believe I am beyond help. I live alone now, so the problem is of no concern at this point in my life. But I pray that you would devote a little time and space so that others may be saved from my kind of misery in their formative years.
--Suffering in Silence
Dear Suffering
It may help you to know that you are not alone. It is estimated that 7 percent of people have shy bladder syndrome, a psychological condition that often prevents people from urinating in public. That's seven times the number of people diagnosed with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

Parauresis ultimately is an anxiety disorder. Specifically, it is a form of social anxiety. And like many people, you have coped by withdrawing from what triggers the anxiety and hiding the problem.

Anxiety disorders are quite treatable with cognitive behavioral therapy and have a pretty good prognosis. Often, group support helps deal with the isolation - and the shame. After living with this for so many years, you would agree that the shame has affected your life more profoundly than even the anxiety.

Shame feeds on itself. When we feel ashamed of something, we tend to hide and withdraw so we won't be exposed to what's shameful. Everyone does that with the parts of their personalities they were ashamed of. But the act of withdrawing worsens the shame. And shame is one of the most painful emotions because it is so isolating.

The cure for shame is exposure. Group support helps by sharing the secret, and cognitive behavioral therapy helps diminish the anxiety by moving toward what we fear in slow, safe steps.

As for your history, your theory may be correct. Your mother may have caused your shy bladder syndrome by her inappropriate behavior.

But as you know, understanding the cause doesn't necessarily effect a cure. And even if you are right, there is probably much more to the story.

My guess is that your mother also had an anxiety disorder, and hers may have taken the form of an obsession - specifically with your toileting behavior. Her inappropriate behavior was her misguided and ineffective way of controlling her own anxiety.

Much of your anxiety disorder could be caused as much by your mother's genetics as your mother's behavior. So if you can see your mother as a woman who caused you great pain because of her own illness, you might be able to feel less resentment for her. And if you are able to see her in that light, maybe one day you will feel compassion for this woman.

I would imagine quite a burden would be lifted if you went from resentment to compassion. That will go a long way to diminishing your sense of powerlessness and victimization. And who knows? After that, you might just find more compassion for yourself.

You see, even though you don't have to use public bathrooms, you still live with shame. Please get help; it is really not too late. These therapies can be quite effective regardless of your age. And if you are ambivalent, just try to imagine going through life free of this shame.

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