"On Healing" September 2005

Posted on Mon, Sep. 19, 2005
Anxiety of being a severely allergic teen
By Dan Gottlieb

A mother recently wrote me about her 12-year-old daughter, Rachel, who has a severe peanut allergy. She was always anxious about it, but lately she has been avoiding restaurants and other people's kitchens for fear of getting sick.

Peanut allergies can be life-threatening, and the number of cases has doubled in the last several years. Moreover, 12 years old is a difficult time for any child, and especially one with a chronic illness. Many children who seem adjusted to their disability will get frustrated or depressed in early adolescence, when children need to feel more independent of their family and fit in with their peers. And having an illness makes them feel different - the nemesis of adolescents.

I asked Rachel to tell me about her life:

"I first found out about my allergy seven years ago and have been frustrated ever since. Every trip to the grocery, I have to check every single list of ingredients. I can't eat M&Ms, Kit Kats, and most baked goods. I can't eat cakes at birthday parties. I can't even eat anything if the product was manufactured in a facility that processes peanuts! If I do, I could go into shock. I always have an EpiPen [injectable epinephrine] with me just in case.

"I only feel safe eating at home. I sometimes get so upset and self-conscious that I have no appetite left anyway. I could bring my own food to my friend's house, but I hate calling attention to myself. I have survived. I just wish it was easier."

Dear Rachel: I too wish it was easier. Severe allergies can be a terrible burden. I know you have suffered. And it sounds as if the burden has worsened recently.

For what it's worth, you are not alone. I have seen many kids with chronic illness over the years who do pretty well until adolescence. Then many get frustrated or anxious. And the children who get angry are usually embarrassed about the same thing you are - feeling different. The last thing someone your age wants is to be "different."

I have two secrets for you. One is that kids your age try so hard to act cool because deep inside, they feel as if they are different. The other secret is that while nobody wants to be different, nobody wants to be the same, either! We all want to be our own person. And most people do this by trying to be cooler, prettier, smarter or more muscular than other kids. What they want is to be accepted by the group and to have their own individual style.

So what can be done? I don't know if your mom told you, but I am in a wheelchair. In the beginning, I had the same emotions you have. I felt different and embarrassed, and also afraid. You are scared of your allergy's being triggered; I was afraid of almost everything! So when I went out with people, I told them the things I feared. That made me feel less embarrassed and scared. Most important, I felt less alone.

Now, because I am an adult, most of my friends were OK with what I said. Some were not, and we didn't stay friends very long. What I did might have been easier because I am older, but I am sure the results would be similar for you.

Some of your friends might be so insecure they will avoid you. But most kids would be happy to be your friend and help you avoid stuff that might hurt you. The friends you wind up with are the ones you really want to cultivate in the first place!

Dear Reader: Rachel said she was interested in talking with older kids with peanut allergies, and her mother said she wants to help form a support group. You can contact Rachel at: X0sk8rgrl5390x@aol.com, or her mother, Barbara, at Weet986@aol.com.

Posted on Sep. 05, 2005
Disasters such as Katrina have a way of opening hearts
By Dan Gottlieb

As we witness the devastation on the Gulf Coast, and see people suffering through unfathomable adversity, it's impossible to imagine what they are experiencing. But it might be helpful to look at we are feeling.

I watched some news footage last week with my nephew. This is a man who can be pretty gruff, sarcastic and cynical - on the outside anyway. He said he had been riveted to the television since Katrina first hit land. As he watched television, I watched his face. It seemed to soften as it showed worry and compassion for the victims.

In Les Miserables, Victor Hugo wrote that in adversity, one's heart dilates. And that's what I saw happening to my nephew. His heart dilated. Perhaps that's what happens to us all when we witness unimaginable tragedy. Collectively, our hearts dilate.

We all know that feeling. It is one of openness and caring. When it happens, we experience selflessness, generosity and even love. And we no longer care about our small personal concerns. Somehow the argument with our spouse and the frustration at work don't seem that important.

When the heart is dilated, we feel more connected to the world and to our lives. As humans, our instinct in the face of suffering is to open up. Even preschoolers will stop what they are doing and show concern when a playmate is suffering.

A dilated heart is an example of humanity at its best. Of course we have also seen examples of the opposite, as when certain people claimed that the devastation is a form of divine retribution.

And now plenty of evidence shows that when we act with compassion, our bodies' natural antidepressants increase. In a culture where so many suffer a sense of insecurity and isolation, acts of selfless kindness help us feel more linked to the larger world.

This also happened after last year's tsunami, when not only did the world open its collective heart, but two onetime political enemies - former Presidents Bill Clinton and George Bush - worked together to ease suffering.

We know great adversity is all around us.

The same day Katrina was pummeling the Gulf Coast, the Census Bureau reported that nearly 13 percent of U.S. residents had fallen below the poverty line. According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, more than 33 million people in this country are hungry, and more than one-third of them are children.

Just as it's hard to imagine losing everything in a hurricane, it's tough to fathom not knowing when the next meal will happen or where we can get medical care for our children. Because the suffering is so overwhelming, we could close our hearts and turn a blind eye. We could also do what the misguided do and blame the victims for their suffering.

Of course it's overwhelming, but we are not responsible for ending suffering or feeding all of the hungry. If we just allow our hearts to dilate, we will no longer be able to do nothing.

Last year, I interviewed Betty Williams on my radio show. She won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979 for her work in Northern Ireland. She and other Nobel Peace Prize laureates are touring the world now, setting up safe sanctuaries for vulnerable children.

When I asked her what people should do to help diminish suffering, she said: "I am not going to sit here and tell you what to do. When you open your door and walk out of your house, you will see what needs to be done. Just do something. Do anything."

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