"On Healing" September 2007

Posted on Mon, September 17, 2007
Learning to live with injustice
By Dan Gottlieb

In my last column, I described how some schools deal with bullying through programs called restorative justice - programs that try to help heal the wounds wrought by bullying.

The same day the column appeared, 71-year-old William Barnes was charged with the murder of former police officer Walter T. Barclay. While committing a crime in 1966, Barnes shot Barclay, then an active patrolman, leaving him paralyzed from the waist down. He lived in that condition until Aug. 19, when he died of complications of a urinary tract infection. Barnes had already spent 15 years in prison and had been living in a halfway house at the time he was charged.

The district attorney said that for the Barclay family, "this would be justice at last."

I doubt that.

My spinal cord injury in 1979 was not the result of a bullet, but it was the result of someone's decision. As I was driving down the Pennsylvania Turnpike a wheel broke off a truck and crashed into my car. I later found out that the company that manufactured the wheel knew it was inferior, but put it on the road anyway.

I was furious. We sued in civil court, but I didn't just want money. I wanted the company to suffer, and I wanted the people involved to suffer for the rest of their lives.

We won the lawsuit and initially I felt relieved and validated. But after a few weeks, I realized that nothing had really changed. Sure, with the money I could now build a wheelchair-accessible house and my family would be OK until I got back to work.

But I was still a quadriplegic, and everyone in my family suffered every day because of it. And to make matters worse, I was sure all of this had no impact on the company.

Sure, at one level there was justice. They took something from me, and the courts made them give something back. But to me, justice would have been being able to look someone in the eye and have them understand what their decision really did to me and my family. I wanted them to feel remorse - even change their behavior. To be honest, in 1983, when the lawsuit took place, I probably would have said that justice would have been if I could walk again. I would guess all of those things are equally unlikely.

Ultimately, justice is about fairness. What happened to me was unfair, but I haven't been angry with that company for many years. I have come to understand that people who harm other people are in some respects blind to the value of life and can never appreciate what they have. Over the years, my life has become full, and for that I am grateful.

All parents have probably told their children that life isn't fair and we all have to live with injustice. But how we live with injustice can determine the quality of our lives.

Whether William Barnes spends the rest of his life in prison or not, what happened to Walter Barclay and his family was not fair, and nothing could make it so.

Posted on Mon, September 3, 2007
Bullying: A real solution
By Dan Gottlieb

The start of school means different things to different kids, but for a lot it means fear. Ninety percent of elementary-school children said they had been bullied or victimized in the last year, researchers reported in the April issue of the Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics.

The study involved just 300 children in third through sixth grades at three schools in California and Arizona. Still, I was astounded by the findings, and called a friend, an elementary-school counselor in Mount Laurel. She said those numbers were pretty consistent with what kids in her school would say, but cautioned that children often label as "bullying" what adults would not - calling a classmate a derogatory name, for example, or intentionally annoying another student and then pretending not to hear his request to cut it out.

We know repeated bullying can leave lifelong scars. Shy children may become withdrawn; some targets of bullying will be at higher risk for depression and anxiety for the rest of their lives. And we know bullies, too, tend to be anxious and insecure. While some children deal with their insecurities by withdrawing, bullies do so by aggressing.

No parent wants to leave his child open to attack. When my daughter told me she was bullied on the bus to elementary school, I called every number in the book to make sure this girl was punished and kept away from my child.

That was 25 years ago, and the girl I wanted punished was 9. I was so angry that her age didn't sink in: She was a little girl like my daughter. I don't know if she was punished, but if she was, I know now it probably didn't help. Punishment, including zero tolerance policies, interrupts behavior but does not resolve the original conflict.

Punishing the bully might give the hurt child a temporary sense of relief, but it denies both an opportunity for healing. Conflict is unavoidable. How it gets resolved is critical.

My counselor-friend told me that a number of elementary schools around the country have begun starting the day with meetings where a group of children can simply talk in a relaxed setting. They are taught to listen carefully and respectfully. When there is conflict, each child airs his feelings while the larger group discusses the conflict.

Other schools have successfully implemented a program called restorative justice. Like Archbishop Desmond Tutu's truth and reconciliation hearings in South Africa, restorative justice brings both parties together in front of a group. The aggressor listens as the victim explains how and why she was hurt. This gives the person who caused the pain a chance to understand and take responsibility. It also gives the injured party an opportunity to forgive. Being heard by the group, then having the option to forgive is empowering as well as healing.

Research shows restorative justice leads to reconciliation - and real behavior change. There is evidence, even, that the process can have a healing effect on a larger community. Just ask Archbishop Tutu.

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