"On Healing" October 2006

Posted on Mon, Oct. 30, 2006
Discoveries in the pursuit of happiness
By Dan Gottlieb

Opening a recent talk to seniors about maintaining intimate relationships as we age, I asked a question: Would they be satisfied if, at the end of the lecture, they knew how to be happy in a partnership? They all raised their hands. Then I asked whether they would be satisfied knowing how to be happy whether or not they were in a close relationship. Of course, all the hands went up again.

So what were these seniors looking for? Pretty much the same thing all other humans look for: happiness, security, the opportunity to love and be loved, and to live a life that feels meaningful.

People came to the lecture assuming that happiness required being in an intimate relationship with someone. That's false. My mother used to say that as long as I had my health, I had my happiness. But as we know from the millions of people who are disabled or chronically ill - and happy - even my mother did not speak the truth.

So what is happiness?

We all look for it, from birth until death. For young people, happiness might mean popularity or beauty. As we age, it might be companionship or having meaning in our lives.

In his best-selling book, Stumbling on Happiness, Daniel Gilbert suggests all decisions are about making our future selves happy. Think about it. We get married because we believe it will make us happier. We divorce for the same reason. When we're lonely, some call a friend, some go to bed, and some go to bed with a friend. The goal is the same - as it is for some people who eat great volumes of food, or so little they starve.

When we look back, many choices that we thought would make us happier turned out to be wrong. We work hard to buy that new house, or to get into that prestigious university. They may actually make us unhappy. Gilbert believes the reverse is also true. What we think will make us miserable often causes happiness. How many people have reported that their lives got better after a trauma?

Here are some of the things we do know about happiness:

Pursuing it above all else makes us self-absorbed, isolated and miserable.

As an emotion, happiness is rarely permanent and is a byproduct of a life well-lived.

Because we are social animals, the more people we are connected with, in any capacity, the more likely we are to feel secure and good about our lives.

Happiness is no less accessible to older people than younger ones. Studies of centenarians have shown that happiness correlates with generosity of spirit. They genuinely care and always seem to have time for people.

Many seniors say they are afraid not of death but of illness or disability. They assume that if they lose their independence, their lives will no longer have meaning. Another falsehood. Developmental psychologists call this late stage of life "consolidation" - a period when we look back and integrate past lessons. It is also a period of great meaning. Both the Old and New Testaments refer to an "ethical will" that compels us to teach our progeny what we've learned and how we've learned it.

When I speak with large audiences, most say they knew their parents' values and morals but not their hearts. Almost all wish they had known their parents better. They want to know about the successes and failures that made their parents who they were. They want to know how their mothers and fathers felt about life - and death. My new book, Letters to Sam, can be considered an ethical will.

A past column told of a young woman who said she felt her soul was a prism "but everybody I know only sees one color. Nobody sees the prism." Most of us spend a lifetime longing for the happiness that comes from being known for who we really are. An ethical will is an opportunity to find happiness by sharing the prism of your soul.

Posted on Mon, Oct. 16, 2006
Confront child abuse with open attitude
By Dan Gottlieb

The ongoing story about former U.S. Rep. Mark Foley's sexually explicit e-mails to congressional teenage pages prompted many queries from parents and the media. Most ask the questions I get in every crisis: "How can I explain this to my children?" "How can I protect my children from danger?" The answers are important, and easy to find online.

(Advice for different situations, such as how to talk to your kids about the recent school shootings, often overlaps. Topics are posted at the American Psychological Association's Web site, www.apa.org).

Understandably our first instinct is to protect our children, and the second is to express disdain for the perpetrators. In the case of Foley, we want his head on a platter. After all, we always want people who sexually harass kids to be imprisoned for as long as possible. Then we treat them like pariahs when they get out, teach our children to be wary of strangers, and repeat the whole process with the next scandal.

Child sexual abuse is epidemic in American culture; most surveys find that one in three girls and one in seven boys has been sexually molested by age 13. Child abuse also is scary and hard to fathom; 90 percent of the time abusers are close relatives, friends or others we trust.

So our anxiety understandably propels us in the direction of protection and prosecution rather than protection through prevention. But most experts believe that child sexual abuse is preventable.

To do something about this epidemic, we must change the societal conversation about child sexual abuse. A different dialogue requires a change in attitude that many may find hard to make. We must be able to talk about sex and sexuality in a way that is open and honest.

For example, some surveys have found that as many as 30 percent of adults are sometimes attracted to children in puberty. (Fashion ads featuring models made to look 12 or 14 years old do strike a chord.)

Only a tiny percentage of those people are at risk of abusing children. For those who are, however, we know that silence and shame create even greater risk. If we lived in a culture where children were taught openly about all aspects of sexuality, youngsters who had experienced abuse would understand that they were not alone. If we all had such a mind-set, children could go to lots more people who would understand.

Very few child abusers want to abuse children. Yes, they are dangerous. Most are also tormented - a tangle of emotions that is beautifully illustrated by 2004's The Woodsman (on DVD), in which Kevin Bacon plays a sex offender struggling to create a new life after prison.

Anyone in the field of child-abuse prevention would agree that perpetrators must be held criminally accountable. Yet according to Stop It Now!, a national nonprofit devoted to ending child abuse, the vast majority of those who have been punished by the criminal justice system will not commit another sexual offense. Specialized treatment may further improve the odds.

So what can we do? Besides teaching children about "good touch" and "bad touch," we must talk honestly (with ourselves as well as with them) about healthy sexuality. As sexual shame and shunning are diminished, a whole range of inappropriate sexual behavior - from child molestation to sex addiction and even compulsive infidelity - will also decline.

We must get behind organizations such as Philadelphia's Joseph J. Peters Institute (www.jjp.org), which works with both victims and perpetrators, and the affiliated Stop It Now! (www.stopitnow.org) of Northampton, Mass., whose community-based programs nationwide harness research and education to effect social change - largely by broadening the notion of personal responsibility on this issue to include everyone.

Like every other epidemic, child sexual abuse will diminish only when it is faced directly and unflinchingly, not hidden from view, whether in the halls of Congress or in the split-level at the end of the cul-de-sac.

Posted on Mon, Oct. 2, 2006
Wives feeling disappointed, men inadequate
By Dan Gottlieb

Dear Dr. Dan:
It seems to me there is one psychological challenge in family life that is crying out to be "named and framed" so those affected can get help: the challenge of living with the incompetent.

By incompetence, I mean the inability to understand one's inadequacies and to grasp the adaptations needed to live successfully. This goes beyond the usual range of strengths and weaknesses. It is a certain kind of personality, innocuous on the surface, attractive sometimes, even lovable.

These people make the same mistakes again and again and seem unable or unwilling to learn from experience. While others might gradually change, so that a pattern of failure is slowly broken and replaced by an occasional success, the incompetent bash on, secure in their view of themselves.

For those who live with them, pick up after them, bring up children in spite of them, it is like dying every day. It robs them of peace of mind, creating depression, anxiety, and an untold array of effects.
-- A reader
Dear reader:
I can almost hear many women reading this column and thinking, "Oh, boy, that sounds just like my husband." And, of course, men saying, "I can feel that husband's pain."

One of the most common themes with couples I see is wives frustrated with their husbands' behavior - and the husbands are either trying too hard to meet expectations or have given up and shut down. Underneath the anger are women who experience disappointment in their men, and men who feel inadequate to please their wives. Over time, both become frustrated and blame one another for their unhappiness.

I understand the suggestion that your husband might have a personality disorder. It is possible - but very unlikely.

This sounds to me like a serious marital problem.

When they marry, many women assume they'll be able to repair most of the "little issues" they find troubling in their men. It's called "marrying a project."

He is thrilled with the approval and affection he gets during this stage of the relationship, and assumes it will continue regardless of what he does or doesn't do. She gets more frustrated and emotional. He gets overwhelmed by the barrage of feelings and shuts down. This inevitably devolves into a relationship that looks like a critical mother/schoolteacher living with a petulant adolescent boy.

From your letter, I know two things: First, you are frustrated and probably have been for a long time. Second, your criticism is no longer about his behavior, but his character. And I could guess that your husband is probably just as unhappy.

Here are some suggestions that may help, beginning with the hard questions:

Do you want to stay married? If so, do you want to stay married to the spouse that you have, as opposed to the spouse you would like him to be?

And if the answer is yes, please stop trying to change him. Criticism should be infrequent and focused on specific behavior. Studies of successful couples show the ratio of positive to negative comments is five to one during an argument - and much higher during ordinary conversation.

You both have been hurt very badly in this relationship. You must do your best to stop wounding each other, through words as well as silence. Only then will either of you begin to feel safe. Nothing changes without safety.

Most important: Find a good marital therapist, one specifically trained in marital and family therapy and a member of the American Association for Marital and Family Therapy. Make sure you both feel safe and understood by the therapist.

By the way, don't expect anyone to do therapy on your marriage. Success requires commitment and a good deal of work by each spouse. For a marriage to improve, both spouses must change.

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