"On Healing" December 2002

Posted on Mon, Dec. 16, 2002
Fights about bedtime obscure real issues
By Dan Gottlieb

Dear Dr. Dan,

My wife and I cannot seem to resolve a parenting issue that we have debated about for many years. In short, I believe we should establish a firm bedtime for our young children. My wife has never supported this idea (we have argued frequently about it) and has always used the phrase "your father wants you to go to bed" as a way to inflict guilt on me.

Our children typically blame Dad for wanting to send them to bed earlier than they would like. I believe I am exercising judicious parenting by setting limits on how late they stay up. My frustration and anger keeps building, and I would like to find some common ground, but we can never get past the shouting to discuss a compromise.

There are a few ways to address this problem and none of them have to do with bedtime. My first question is, what is the real reason you and your wife have been arguing about this for so long, and why this issue?

Like most marital arguments, this one appears to be about control. And like most marital arguments about control, probably each of you feels the other has more power. Inevitably, these issues break through the surface around the children.

So let me offer you some questions to think about: Why have you been debating this for years? Do you have a sense about why you are both holding on to this issue? Perhaps you two could talk about the overall quality of your marriage.

If the roots of the problem are not too deep, often if you take a few minutes each day to be alone with your spouse and just talk about your lives, and possibly go on a weekly date, that can be helpful. Sometimes, between the children and the demands of life, spouses simply lose touch with each other. However, if these simple things don't help, please consider marital therapy.

But there is more that can be done to help your family. Whether your children go to bed earlier or later will not affect the quality of their lives or their character. And while you are arguing over bedtimes, think about what you are role-modeling for your children.

Part of the reason you and your wife fight is because you love your children and love or loved each other. You want your family to be whole, healthy and safe. So what happened to the love, and what can we do to turn it into something that can make your family healthier and happier?

I have often thought that opposites could solve our problems. If we feel like we need to be heard, perhaps we should try listening. If we feel tight, withholding and judgmental, we should be more generous. If we feel we need love, we should give love. And if we tend to think about the small picture (like bedtimes), perhaps we should invest some time and energy working on the big picture (like hunger or homelessness).

Arguing about bedtimes is an act of a closed heart. Making plans to help feed the homeless is an act of an open heart. Steven Post agrees. Post is professor of bioethics at Case Western Reserve University, and President of the Institute for Research on Unlimited Love. He says there is ample research that correlates generous behavior to better lives.

Most parents want their children to grow into adults who are kind, generous, openhearted and make a contribution to the world. So what will contribute to that end?

In Philadelphia alone there are about 24,000 homeless people. One-third of them are children. These are people who are hungry, ill, cold or scared. These are people who also feel alienated and alone. Multiply this number by hundreds, and you will get a sense of the people in our community who could benefit from our help.

Therefore, I would like to see all four of you do something active to help people in need. For example, as a family, you could collect food for your neighborhood food bank and then help distribute it; or you could help cook or distribute food at a program such as MANNA, which distributes meals to homebound people with AIDS; or "adopt" an animal shelter.

If you do this as a family, you will feel a part of the larger world, and you will feel better about yourselves. You will also be teaching your children lessons they desperately need to learn - about freedom and responsibility, their intimate relationship with the larger world, and, most important, what it means to open one's heart and experience unselfish compassion and altruism.

Post said, "If we can open ourselves to others, it can help us be less self-absorbed. And through that, we paradoxically learn deeper and important lessons about who we really are."

Research at the institute has shown that when adolescents are exposed to altruistic mentors who demonstrate care and generosity to a group who needs help, the children become more generous, feel better about themselves, and perform better in school.

These are the shortest days of the year. They are dark times both literally and metaphorically. The mood of the world seems dark and prone to violence.

You can't stop war and hunger, but your family can bring some light into these dark times. With your commitment and love for one another, you have the ability and responsibility to bring more light into the world.

If you do, you will all rest better at night - whenever you go to sleep.

An interview with Steven Post airs on WHYY-FM (90.9) at noon next Monday.

Posted on Mon, Dec. 02, 2002
Mother must set limit on her giving
By Dan Gottlieb

Dan,

My husband and I have raised four children. Three children are loving and respectful, educated, and hard working. The fourth child has a "dream." In his 30s, he went a thousand miles away to fulfill this dream. Although he has never missed a chance to tell us what failures we are as parents, we have supported him both emotionally and financially and overlooked the hurt he has caused. This has gone on for more than a year. There have been jobs here and there, but always the dream came first and the jobs go by the wayside for various reasons. The calls for money were regular, and it was never enough. After many unfulfilled promises, I've said enough, the well is dry. That has brought on a harangue the likes of which no parent should have to endure. I'm accused of being selfish, abusive, have words put in my mouth that I've certainly never uttered and told that I am crazy.

Now, he is being put out of his apartment. Do I get him out of this? If I do, next month it will start over again. I'm so afraid that he will be like the sad men I see who are out on the street. I believe he may have a mental illness. What can I do? What is a parent's responsibility to an adult child who refuses to be responsible for himself?

Your son sounds angry. So do you. But anger is a reactive emotion. More often than not, it is a reaction to sadness, helplessness or frustration. We humans follow patterns when someone or something we love begins to slip through our fingers. First there is anxiety and disbelief - sometimes panic and desperation. Clearly, you have spent a great deal of time and energy in an effort to change your son's behavior. Because your efforts repeatedly fail, you wind up feeling desperate, frustrated, then angry.

If you were to give up this struggle with your son, you might come face-to-face with your worst nightmare - that he is ill and out of control.

Frequently we find that as we face our nightmares, beyond the terror there is a deep, palpable, seemingly bottomless, grief. That's because you have your dreams too, dreams of your child being loving, respectful, educated and hard working. With each one of his disappointments or requests for money, your dream slowly dies.

If your son thinks that all of your behavior is about control and manipulation, he may be partially right. After all, you do want him to be different then who he is. But your behavior is about something else also. It is about love. A love that neither you nor your son may be able to feel anymore.

As you know, parental love is like no other. When I first held my daughters in my arms, I swore I would protect them from adversity and make sure they had happy lives. Naive? Of course, but how else could I express this deep sense of love and responsibility I felt for this vulnerable little angel at that moment?

So in your case, as in many others, hopes and dreams get dashed and love turns to anger. And anger masks sadness - even grief.

No matter what happens, he will not be the man you hoped he would be. Although I admire your tenacity, it might be time to give up the battle.

That is not to say you should turn your back on him. If he has emotional or social problems, make it clear to him that you will help him get healthy and whole. But you cannot help him any other way. I would set a limit on how many months you will pay for his apartment and expenses and then tell him after that, all you will pay for is treatment should he desire (and if you can afford) it.

But also tell him that you love and care for him and will be available to talk, share time and ideas. Please do not try to talk him out of his dream in this process. The more you argue with his dream, the more important it will become to him. Which brings us to the topic of what might be going on with your son.

Of course, I cannot know exactly what is happening, but I do know this: Many of today's young men are frightened. They see a future that is filled with demands and devoid of compassion, in which they are not likely to achieve the financial success of their parents.

Many of these young men have watched their fathers and mothers work to exhaustion, carpool kids, and give up their own lives. The majority of these children grew up with parents who were exhausted, empty and unhappy. Parents who were too busy and tired to become part of their immediate community, let alone play a role in the larger world.

Of course your son has a dream. Dreams can help sustain life. Unfortunately, because so many of today's young people are afraid of becoming who and what their parents were, many never have the opportunity to discover who they really are. They are paralyzed by their fear.

If you ever are able to open a dialogue with your son, I would love to see you explore his dreams. Find out what they are about and what they mean to him. Perhaps then he will tell you about some of his fears. What a gift it would be if you would share with him what some of your dreams were - which ones you realized and which ones you gave up on. If you have the courage, tell him about your regrets also. It will make you more human in his eyes and perhaps give him the role model he desperately needs.

Bottom line: Set a limit on your giving so that you don't feel confused and manipulated. Give up hope for winning this struggle and come face-to-face with the pain you have been avoiding. You see, you and your son both have dreams. We don't know his, but yours is that your son be different. Mourn what has died: your dream for your son. If you do these things, perhaps you will feel safe enough to again feel how much you have always loved him.

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